The Post-Tantrum Hangover: Why It Feels Like You've Lived Seven Lives Before 8 a.m.
We spend so much time talking about helping our kids regulate. And that's important. But can we also acknowledge what it costs the parent?
Because after spending an hour co-regulating, staying calm, setting boundaries, cleaning up, getting everyone out the door, and trying not to lose your sh** in the process...we don’t magically bee bop about our day and move on the second we pull out of the daycare parking lot. Or at least I can’t always do that!
TLDR:
Some mornings, it feels like you've run an emotional marathon before you've even started your workday. The tantrum ends. You make it to daycare. You drive away... and suddenly feel like you got hit by a bus. If you know, you know. I think we need a name for this: the post-tantrum hangover.
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If you are a parent to little ones, you have likely had one of these (or many) mornings.
You know those mornings where it's only 8:30 a.m., but it feels like you've already lived seven different lives?
Your child woke up WAY too early.
They didn’t want to brush his teeth. They screamed because their waffle didn’t have enough syrup (it melted in already!) Then the screaming just continued… and every. little. thing. was A THING.
You spent forty-five minutes trying to help a tiny human whose ability to rationalize has completely went out the window. Until it eventually led to, okay… “you may be upset still and having a tough moment AND we have to leave NOW”. I mean, we can’t always wait for them to be perfectly calm, unfortunately. Life does go on and we still have jobs and schools to get to.
Then you finally buckle them into the car, after an enormous struggle of course, make it to daycare or the babysitter’s house, and you pull away.
But it isn’t as simple as just going about your day some mornings. Some mornings are ESPECIALLY hard…especially exhausting and draining.
So instead of feeling relieved, you feel like you've been hit by a truck.
That is a harddddd way to start the day. Let’s face it… it feels like we ran an emotional marathon before even starting the work day.
As I was driving to work thinking about how exhausted I already was, I was thinking how we reallllllly need a name for this phenomenon that every parent faces at some point.
A post-tantrum hangover, maybe? What do you think?
That strange mix of exhaustion, guilt, adrenaline, relief, overstimulation, and emotional depletion that lingers long after the screaming has stopped.
The thing no one prepares you for isn't always the tantrum itself. Well… maybe that too.
But it’s all of the emotions that come after drop off is complete. And the post rumination thoughts. “Did I handle that okay?” “I feel like I should’ve said this or done that…” “I hope he has a good day after such a rough start”… “why has it been so hard lately?” “Is he not getting enough sleep?” “When will be done with this nap?” It's everything we carry with us throughout the rest of our day.
The post-tantrum hangover is real.
I don't know if this is an official psychological term (spoiler alert: it's not), but I have a feeling every parent of a toddler or preschooler knows exactly what I'm talking about.
Especially those with a 4 year old who is still having to take a nap at daycare or preschool but it makes the nights so rough because they aren’t ready for bed until 9:00-10:00pm!
The post tantrum hangover is the strange feeling after you've spent the better part of an hour trying to co-regulate, problem-solve, stay calm, set boundaries, get shoes on, pack lunches, pick a toy for share day, find the missing water bottle, and somehow still make it out the door on time.
By the time you finally pull away from daycare, your child may have settled down is okay.
But you’re not… or you’re body still isn’t. Your heart is still racing. You need some recovery time… but who has time!? Your shoulders are somewhere up around your ears.You realize you've been clenching your jaw. Maybe you even cry in the car or rush off to work without really allowing yourself to think through what just happened.
Or maybe you just sit there in silence for a minute before walking into work because you don't feel like yourself anymore.
That's the post-tantrum hangover. To be clear, no that doesn’t mean you did something wrong. It doesn’t mean something is wrong with your kiddo. It doesn’t even mean you need to change anything. It was just hard… that’s all. But naming it can help us all feel less alone in it and maybe allow ourselves a minute… even 30 seconds to take a breath, play some music, and attempt to turn our day around before it’s even started.
Your child was super dysregulated… but so were you. It takes a lot of energy and work to regulate yourself during those moments.
Especially if they last longer than usual. As parents, we hear a lot about helping our kids regulate. And I think that is so great and really helpful.
But what we don't talk about nearly enough is what it costs us to be the calm in someone else's storm. Co-regulation is beautiful. It's also hard work. It also requires resources, time, capacity… and is easier said than done some days.
When your child is screaming, throwing things, melting down over socks, waffles, or leaving the house, your own nervous system naturally starts to respond too. Especially because the world still goes on. We still have jobs to get to, school to get to on time, and on and on.
This is when that stress hormone begins rise. Your body may go into fight, flight, fawn or freeze…depending on the moment. Meanwhile, you may want to or are trying to stay patient enough to help another tiny human borrow your calm. That's a lot to ask of one nervous system before breakfast.
Sometimes there are reasons these mornings feel especially hard.
This particular morning reminded me how much our kids' bodies and brains are constantly changing. Many preschoolers and young children eventually outgrow their daytime nap… they may even be ready to stop napping but are required to still be given a nap at daycare up until a certain age.
Some children still nap because everyone else is napping, even though their bodies don't really need it anymore or it makes nighttime sleep harder and things are harder at home. Then bedtime gets pushed later.
They get less overnight sleep, or they wake up more at night and confused because they think it is time to wake up but really it is on 2:30am. Then They wake up exhausted anyway. And you are too.
And suddenly every tiny frustration feels enormous. Of course, every child is different, and this isn't the explanation for every meltdown.But sometimes what looks like "defiance" is actually a very tired, overwhelmed nervous system doing the best it can.
Parents deserve recovery, too.
One of the things I wish more parents knew is that after a morning like this, it makes sense if you feel emotionally wiped out.
You don't have to immediately bounce back. You don't have to pretend it didn't affect you. It really is okay and would make sense if that was A LOT for you too. Maybe your version of recovery is taking three slow breaths before walking into work or listen to some music that is nostalgic like NYSNC, Black Eyed Peas, Bruno Marz… whatever your jam is.
Maybe it's texting your partner, "That was rough” and commiserating together. Maybe it's eating breakfast instead of skipping it because you're already behind. Maybe it's just giving yourself permission to acknowledge that that was really freakin’ hard. Period.
I have a feeling I'm not the only one who thinks we need a name for these moments…
So until someone comes up with a better one...
I'm calling it the post-tantrum hangover.
As a therapist in Ohio who specializes in therapy for mothers, EMDR Therapy, and therapy intensives in Ohio, I help moms untangle these emotional responses and feel more steady in moments that used to spike anxiety.
If mornings with your little ones are starting to really get to you, therapy can help you gain control and feel like yourself again.
If this is coming up for you, I’m here. Schedule a free intro call and we can talk through it together to ensure it feels like a good fit!
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